I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
