My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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