So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
