So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
