every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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