If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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