Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
