I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
