Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
