I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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