I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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