i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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