u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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