Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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