You just made me feel so damn special
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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