Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
