My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
