omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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