i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
