The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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