sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
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