Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
