I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
