did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
pray to the hookup gods
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
