Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
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She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
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And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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