Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
