i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
