I'm so fucking centered right now
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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