saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
