There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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