Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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