Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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