oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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