omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
