he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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