When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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