Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
