am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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