Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
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