I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
