Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
