Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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