my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
