i jhust puked up my retainher.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
