So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
