my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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