Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
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Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize