Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
