we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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