I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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