Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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