I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
