My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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