A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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