I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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