My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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