DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
