It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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