Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
